Corelation vs. Causation

25th April 2009

This month has not been pretty exciting and this blog has been getting less exciting too. I realized that I have been updating less stuff onto the blog. Not too sure if it is co-related to my relationship with my wifey or if that is a causation of our relationship.

I have been meeting up with wifey pretty often. Usually after my work or after his school hours if he is off early I will try to meet him. He has always tried his best to suit to my timing to meet me up as well. Thus, if we meet so much, there should be stuff to update but somehow there is not much.

Maybe I am out of words. I read the past postings and found that I am bored by most of them. My ability to write funny stuff seems to be deteriorating as I aged. Not too sure if that is normal. That is also the reason I had decided to not share with wifey about this blog. It will bore him and I do not want to strike him as a boring husband with poor blog-writing ability, even if I really am.

April is gonna be over soon in a week and I am not too sure how the month can be remembered more specially for both me and wifey. Our routine nowadays seems ‘routine’. When we meet, the talk is less and the eating is normal. The intimacy time is less when we are out together. I understand the part where by wifey refuse to act too intimate with me when we are outside, as he is afraid his relatives might be anywhere and may see. What I do not understand is that the way wifey talks to me and treats me.

It’s not that he is treating me bad or talking to me bad but somehow I felt that he can talk to me in a sweeter mode and sometimes I felt really disappointed when he talked to me as if I am not even someone worth giving respect. I am really hoping that he can talk to me in a better way he talks to other people like his colleagues, classmates or his Ben10. I know it is stupid of me to compare but somehow I wished for the person I loved most to treat me special regardless we are alone or with his friends. And when I mean special I mean it in the nice way and not the bullying way.

Anyway I think I am off my focus as this blog is suppose to record my feelings on the way I post and to reflect if this is due to personal incompetence or the lacking of ‘something’ in my relationship. Corelation vs. Causation. It is difficult to differentiate and I am also pretty lost on this.

I am quite sure though that I love wifey deeply with all my heart and soul and I can feel that wifey loves me too. There is no doubt about our affection towards each other. However, something is amiss and I am not sure what it is. I can feel that the puzzle is missing a piece and yet that piece has not yet been found. I know this sounds crazy but I know what I am feeling.

Both me and wifey loves each other but we lack of something that can strengthen our love and make it a concrete one. Right now, we are like cement powder and water mixed together. We are still in the liquid form and not stabilized. There are so many uncertainties and we lack of a substance that can make our relationship concrete and stable. As for what substance, that is what I need to find out.

This month has been hectic as both of us were pretty broke and we are not able to have the kind of lifestyle we want but soon things will change. I am going to take up more responsibility in my work and that would means less timing available for my wifey. This may be a good change as I hope that wifey will miss me more and treasure me now that I have less time with him. At least, treasure whatever time we have together.

This will even be more so when I took up my further studies next year. Am not sure how this will compromise my relationship with wifey but I have to try. I need to know that I will be treasured by the person I love most.

“I love You Wifey Shaari.”
Hubby Roger

Changes

19th April 2009

It is a sunny and clear day but my mood was cloudy and moody. I knew the reason perfectly why I am feeling this way. This is not the first time I felt it and this definitely will net be the last time that I will be feeling it.

Yesterday, I met up with wifey after my work to pick him up from school. I sent him home for a short rest as we planned to head for the gathering at his colleague Faridah’s house. I had been there a couple of times with wifey and Faridah knew me also. As we were both very tire, we fell asleep and only woke up around 6.00pm to get ready and leave home to meet Yazid and Thedy at Tampines Central before we hail a cab to Faridah’s house.

When we reached, we were the latest already and we started eating and joking. It was great and I knew wifey had missed his colleagues a lot and he is definitely having a great time.

The plan earlier was to leave around midnight, preferably before as I need to see him home and head home myself later. However, the thing with wifey is that, the plan always change. However, I guess the atmosphere is so great that wifey ‘asked’ me what to do. Judging from the way wifey ‘asked’, I knew what he wants and he knows exactly how I will give in to him.

This is the part that I sometimes felt disappointed with him. He knows what he should do but to get what he wants, he ‘asked’ me with the kind of tone and look that makes me decide something that will make him happy, knowing very well I wanted to make him happy. So, we stayed and watch DVDs. After one show, past midnight and he wanted to carry on a second DVD with them. Knowing that I am freaking tire, all he suggests is for me to sleep in that noisy living room and on a thin mattress called temporary bed. As if I can get a good rest on it.

I was seriously pretty upset about his ‘sensitivity’ last night until he suggested something to make up for it. He suggested that I stayed over and in the morning, he will come over to my place and wait for me to get ready before we head off to my friend’s baby shower together. Well, that somehow made me less upset as there is something to look forward to.

In the morning just today when he woke up and woke me up, from the look of his face I knew the latest plan is going to change. And as I predicted, he told me if I mind to go home first and pick him up later if I got car.

That question totally ruins my whole day of anticipated good mood. No doubt he gave a perfectly understandable reason, that his grandmother was here and he did not want his mother to nag. Strangely, I also felt that there will be further changes to our plan. Since he is not coming over first, the prior plan is after the baby shower, he comes over to my house. I also predicted that he will tell me that he needs to go home early for some reasons.

Sometimes, I felt that I am a really male-witch with promotion powers. I cannot see the future but I can read it and true as it is… wifey called after I reached home to tell me that he cannot go home late. My mood now is totally sucky and how I wished now that I had never ever invited him to go with me to the baby shower.

The thing I dislikes most is always the change of plan to his schedule and his pleasure without even thinking for me how I will feel. It is as though I am a human being blessed without the emotions of upset, anger or disappointment. Sometimes I wished I can be like that…

“Love You Wifey”
Hubby Roger

Virgin Trip to Double-O

10th April 2009

It is a tough day today as sri and Yazid had planned a surprise gathering for wifey tonight to celebrate his birthday. I am supposed to bring wifey out and pretend I do not know a single thing which is the difficult part… I sucks at lying.

When I met wifey in the evening and brought him around Bugis, wifey was grumbling on the way. Reason being he was hungry and his tummy is giving him a painful time. Knowing Sri and the gang, they are seldom punctual and that makes things really tough. On one hand I am damn worried about wifey’s tummy condition and I do not want him to feel pain due to hunger. On the other hand, the timing Sri planned is very late and thus wifey is very unhappy with me during that period of time.

The spoiler for the night is a friend of Kat’s. We ran into her and she just blurt out that Kat and Brandon is nearby and ask if wifey is supposed to meet them. The cat is almost out of the bag and then we ran into Izwan and his bf also… the surprise is not that surprising anymore if later wifey saw the few of them.

When the time is near, and I brought wifey to Brecko Café, Kat and Brandon are sitting there waiting already. When we sat down, Sri just arrived with Yana. As usual, Nana and her young partner came late. Izwan and bf waited for Yazid before going to get wifey a birthday present thus when they come, the rest had finished dinner and desert.

Took a couple of pictures and the rest gossip slightly. As the time goes later, we parted our own ways. Me, wifey, Sri and Yazid went Double-O to celebrate wifey’s ITE friend’s birthday. The rest went home.

The celebration is fun and I actually drank quite a lot. Wifey was not feeling well but joined in the fun as and when. The birthday gerl is really drunk just after one hour we got there. Quite a scene. At the end, me and wifey helped took their stuff back to wifey’s house while Sri stayed back to helped look after the birthday gerl.

Similarly we sneak into wifey’s house and I spent the night there. I am actually horny but wifey is not feeling well, so we just sleep again. The next morning when wifey open his bedroom door to sneak me out, we both got a fright as his cousin was standing in front of his bedroom asking for a comb. Eventually I sneak out and even though his cousin saw me, she did not probe anything further. Lucky for us.

“Wifey Shaari, hope you recover soon.”
“Muacks Muacks I Love You.”
Hubby Roger

Night @ BackStage

9th April 2009

Wifey and me will be meeting up with my colleagues from another centre tonight. We planned to go chill out at one of the gay hand out place called BackStage.

Backstage was located at the centre of Chinatown. It is a pub where gay men hang out. Maybe I should say slighter more mature men and Caucasians… guess that’s where my male colleague met his ‘husband’.

Before we met up with this colleague of mine, we had arranged to meet my other two female straight colleagues from the other centre as well. We met at The Central at Clark Quay to have dinner together before we took a walk to wait for my other male gay colleague before we head to the BackStage together. When we reached my male colleague’s ‘husband‘ is already there drinking.

Well… the place is pretty small but cozy also. The drinks are not that strong in alcohol as my colleague described. I had to add in a bit of the Vodka that I brought along secretly so that wifey will like the taste slightly more. When my colleague took a sip of the drink we ordered, he was shocked that it was so strong but he did not know we added vodka on our own.

We did not stay long as the place was kind of boring to me. It might be cozy as mentioned but it also gives me a sleazy feeling. I can see a couple of old Caucasians paired with young boys and it is so obvious that those boys are money-boys. Who will fall in love with an old Caucasian who is not even good looking or having a fantasitic built? It’s the real world.

We left the place around midnight and went our separate ways. My male colleague and his ‘husband’ left for Tantric, another gay pub when the drinks are so call stronger because it is double-shot. Me and wifey did not follow as I know that place is also well-known for picking up guys for one night stand and I hate the idea of going there and met someone that had ONS with wifey before.

The other two female colleagues went out together for their own programme and since me and wifey do not have any night plan, we head home instead. As the time is late we head for his house and he sneak me into his room to rest for the night. Normally we would make love but for that night we slept together hugging each other and surprisingly we fell asleep without any sexual urges. It is a very sweet night and we both rested really peacefully. When I woke up in the morning, wifey sneak me out and my MIL did not even know I spent a night with her son.

“Wifey Shaari, I Love You”
“Hubby Roger

Happy Birthday to Wifey Shaari

5th April 2009

Today is wifey’s 25th birthday. Wifey is in Bali now with his family and I missed him very badly. Singapore is raining most of the time and I wonder if weather in Bali is sunny and hot for wifey to tour around of it is like the weather here.

Sometimes I am really upset. I know wifey does not have auto-roam and he needs to concentrate on his trip with his family. But seriously when he did not call or even send me an sms it makes me worried and scared. Afterall I am not able to know if something happened to him. It is almost similar when he was in Cambodia until I sent him a very unhappy and unfriendly sms to remind him to sms me at least once a day.

I am supposed to be celebrating with wifey on his special day today but somehow I am not able to because we are miles apart from each other. I do not know what is wrong with me but I am just feeling so depressed. Until now, I still do not know how much I meant to wifey in his life. Sometimes he gave me the feeling that I am just another phase and another partner that’s all… I can be there and he will be happy and if I am not there so be it…

Maybe it all started when I allowed him to go Cambodia. Now he form so closed relationships with his Cambodia trip friends they call themselves Ben10 and I felt that I lost a part of him which I will never be able to recover…

And now to make things worse, his cousin and spouse is going to stay at his place for the time being, maybe forever in fact and I will not be able to visit him or spend a night with him at his home again. Even though he had brought up the pros and cons but somehow I felt that the cons seems to be on the higher grounds.

Today is wifey’s 25th birthday…
Today is also a depressing day for me…
Today is definitely a day filled with tears and sadness…

“Happy 25th Birthday Wifey Shaari”
“I Love You”
“Always”
Hubby Roger