27th November 2008
I left home early since I woke up early due to the nightmare. I send sms to wifey asking if he was on his way to school and he replied he woke up late.
I knew wifey for a year plus already. He likes to sleep and can practically fall asleep as fast as 5 seconds time. However, for him to overslept is rare, unless he is seriously lacking sleeping hours. The last thing I remember before I fell asleep last night was he told me over msn he going to rest soon (around 11pm I guess) as he was feeling tire. Well I guess he did not sleep as early as I thought he would if he woke up late.
When he was on the way to school on the cab, I tried asking him what time he slept last night and what was he doing etc. This types of questions irritates wifey a lot I know, but I have to ask because partly I had this nightmare and I do not want the nasty part to happening in real life (its lame excuse I know but it's not lame to me).
And wifey was kind of defensive, mentioning that he felt I do not trust him when I ask him like that, especially when I asked if he was chatting online irc, or surfing gay websites etc. Well, it's not that I do not trust him but I was hoping that he can just tell me about it if he is not doing anything that is not wrong. Unless he is trying to hide something or feeling guilty because he did something he knows that will upset me, else what is so difficult about tell me about it? Worse of all, I do not know how to ask those questions tactfully so that it will not annoy him but am I really not suppose to ask at all in the name of trust?
I have seen many true cases of straight couples breaking up and some divorced because one party always used trust to prevent the other from asking such questions. Trust is built over long period of them and both parties have to be transparent in their lives to build that up. But trust is also vulnerable and can be destroyed easily. Once destroyed, it takes more than ten times the effort to build again.
I trust wifey all the time. Even though I am not pleased with his ideology about trust and personal space. He ever told me that if I request him to delete his gay sites accounts he will break up with me. Can anyone imagine your partner dumping you over a gay account on the website? Gosh I felt that he treasure that account more than treasure me. But still, I give him the freedom to continue all his accounts since I have to show him I trust him.
Honestly, I am also very lost. I only want a simple relationship with wifey. I do not need him to do many things but just be faithful to me in this relationship. I may not have the money to buy him everything he needs, I may not have the beefy-body that arouses him sexually, but I know I have always been a good and responsible husband since I met him. I could have flirt with other guys and fucked behind his back, but what is the point of doing it? Sexual gratification? It's all stupid if that is the reason behind all the fucks...
I know I will not be able to enter wifey's world totally no matter how much effort I put into this relationship. I will not force him anymore. Due to the questions I asked, we quarrelled again and started to feel unhappy about each other. Wifey felt that I am irritating and I do no trust him, I felt that he is keeping secrets from me and there is a possibility that he will hurt my feelings big time. There is simply no transparency in our relationship.
Today, after all that has happened, I asked myself these two questions:
“What will I do if I discover someday wifey is flirting with other guys on msn/sms/emails?”
“What will I do if I discover wifey fucked with someone behind my back?”
My answer to both questions is the same... and it will not be the answer anyone will be happy to see...
“Wifey Shaari, I love You.”
Hubby Roger
